I feel tiered. I had strength training in aerobics today. I haven't worked out exept for aerobics and consumed like 1200 calories. I feel so tiered. Probably the whole 'aerobics thing' I hurt EVERYWHERE. Tish was awesome help today in Aerobics. I stopped earlyish because I'm partying tomorrow and I wanted to dance. I'm always the first one on the floor and the last person off it. I guess I'll fast and maybe have three shots with a pint of beer and thats it. I got into collage but I'm really confused if I should do commerce or Science. I can't figure out a whacky party outfit. NOT COSTUME... :P
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
SUCSESS better not lead to FAILIOR
So I did super well in my Boards!!!! I got a 89.7 average. ANA wanted a 90 but I'm sure she'll understand. a good reward for this would be not eating but the truth is I have to go out n celebrate with my friends and FAMILY FML. I cant NOT eat! I'm gonna try but what happens if I can't count the cals??????? I'm Already freaking OUT!
My board results are going to be out in an hour and i'm not even worried about them much. I had had nightmares about them yesterday but all I can think about is how i have had fifty six calories and havent worked out at ALL. I just want to be distracted so I wont eat. =/ FML I dunno how many time's I'm going to end up posting to keep myself away from the kitchen. I know I can do this. ESPECIALLY with Tish but it's still HARD...
Monday, May 16, 2011
Bye Bye Ana, hello Tish?
"Tisha. Call me Tish." The pretty Burnett told me, smiling.
"Where is Ana?" I asked freaked.
"Ana is gone." She said, smiling sadly.
"I want ANA! I can't do this without her." I exclaimed scared.
"You can and you will honey. Ana realises you are no longer completely hers. Her words can be ignored. You ate."
"Yes, I ate but I burned it all off!" I did so good yesterday, only to find out that she had left.
"Exactly. You burned it off. You consumed 768 calories yesterday and burned off 928 calories yesterday. You did so much better than we hoped."
"But if I did well, Why did she leave?."
"Because you don't need her. You need me! I can help you. Ana told me you could use my help so I'm here. Don't worry she hasn't abandoned you. She just got someone who can help you. And she'll be there when you need her the most. But so will I."
I stared at Tish and finally hugged her tiny frame. Not as tiny as Ana's but still so TINY when compared to mine. A welcoming gesture. An Invitation to control my life.
I turned around turned on my computer and started typing, playing Skinny by Edith in the back ground. "Welcome Home Tish. I smiled at her, and before I could turned back to the computer I could see a faint smile forming and I knew this was the beginning of a possible beautiful relationship.
"Where is Ana?" I asked freaked.
"Ana is gone." She said, smiling sadly.
"I want ANA! I can't do this without her." I exclaimed scared.
"You can and you will honey. Ana realises you are no longer completely hers. Her words can be ignored. You ate."
"Yes, I ate but I burned it all off!" I did so good yesterday, only to find out that she had left.
"Exactly. You burned it off. You consumed 768 calories yesterday and burned off 928 calories yesterday. You did so much better than we hoped."
"But if I did well, Why did she leave?."
"Because you don't need her. You need me! I can help you. Ana told me you could use my help so I'm here. Don't worry she hasn't abandoned you. She just got someone who can help you. And she'll be there when you need her the most. But so will I."
I stared at Tish and finally hugged her tiny frame. Not as tiny as Ana's but still so TINY when compared to mine. A welcoming gesture. An Invitation to control my life.
I turned around turned on my computer and started typing, playing Skinny by Edith in the back ground. "Welcome Home Tish. I smiled at her, and before I could turned back to the computer I could see a faint smile forming and I knew this was the beginning of a possible beautiful relationship.
YAY YAY YAY!!! FORRRR TODAY!!!!
Today morning when I tried to log into Pretty Thin, It went website not found when I refreshed the page it worked fine.... I had such a shock that PT wasn't there. Scared the Bejezuls out of me. So, so far yesterdays dinner was An "Epic FAIL" My neighbours and my brother watched me like a halk literally while I ate till I felt like trowing up. Sad really. Today morning, Ah such a wonderfully Monday morning, I have burnt 300 calories so far, consumed about zero and it is twelve fourty five. Though I will probably have a Mango A HUGE Mango before I go for aerobics and one Lindor truffle, the red one before I do my Aerobics class, because I don't want that feeling. So How I plan to avoid eating lunch is, Taking a bit of food up and Flushing it down the toilet.Then watching thinspo's to kill the hunger craving.And avoiding dinner is relatively easy. By the time I come back from Aerobics it's around 7:30, when I will grab some more food, head up to take a shower and throw away that food. Then take a shower for an hour and a half.... I love my bath-tub... Until the food has safely been taken away. Maybe play some Dance Dance revolution and head off to sleep completely content.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
FAIL, yet a success
"I don't wanna get fatter R, I HAVE to be thinner."
"Me too!" R, squealed on the phone.
"Ummm sorry R, But normal diets don't work for me. I can only do the extreme kind." I told my best friend in the WHOLE wide world.
"Me either. But I can't calculate calories. I can not eat something. But I can't eat and calculate."
"You can try to.. Ummmm I know fruits and vegetables, three fruits or vegetables a day and two glasses of Orange Juice."
"I know! I can't live without OJ!" She squealed happily.
**************
Though today I went out with this guy, It was sooooo date like, but NOT a date. I dunno how I went for a movie and lunch and ate about a tiny choco chip brownie with chocolate sauce, five sips of normal coke and little less than half a pancake with two spoons of chocolate. I think that is below like 500 cals. I also started AEROBICS which is SUPAH tiring. and I've been playing dance dance revolution!!!! So much funnn I've burnt like 270 cals already so I'm having ALOT of funnnn!!!! ANA has been away for a bit, but she came to me in the gym and when I work out most of the time. I have a feeling she is going to be there for dinner today so I don't eat and all.......
"Me too!" R, squealed on the phone.
"Ummm sorry R, But normal diets don't work for me. I can only do the extreme kind." I told my best friend in the WHOLE wide world.
"Me either. But I can't calculate calories. I can not eat something. But I can't eat and calculate."
"You can try to.. Ummmm I know fruits and vegetables, three fruits or vegetables a day and two glasses of Orange Juice."
"I know! I can't live without OJ!" She squealed happily.
**************
Though today I went out with this guy, It was sooooo date like, but NOT a date. I dunno how I went for a movie and lunch and ate about a tiny choco chip brownie with chocolate sauce, five sips of normal coke and little less than half a pancake with two spoons of chocolate. I think that is below like 500 cals. I also started AEROBICS which is SUPAH tiring. and I've been playing dance dance revolution!!!! So much funnn I've burnt like 270 cals already so I'm having ALOT of funnnn!!!! ANA has been away for a bit, but she came to me in the gym and when I work out most of the time. I have a feeling she is going to be there for dinner today so I don't eat and all.......
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Home at LAST
"We are finally HOME!" Ana exclaimed smiling.
"Yeah, Home." I said equally happy.
"Finally we will be back on track and you will never have to feel like that again." I knew what she was referring to, The movie in which I was supposed to be a part of had cancelled my role no doubt because of my weight gain. I silently thanked Ana for not having a conversation about it.
"Can I eat today? I don't care S, Help yourself. Today and tomorrow onwards we are going INSANE!!!! " She trilled with laughter. "We have got to do this right. We have to do this if you want him."
"I am dating someone else." I sighed
"Yeah, Tats just a physical thing that comes and goes, We both know you don't want this relationship."
"He's sweet Ana but He's perfect. I can handle the whole fast physical stuff but he told me he loved me on the third day... It freaks me out." I confessed
"That and the fact that he doesn't drink, Smoke or do dope." She concluded.
"I know I know." I agreed
"Go eat dinner Princess, we'll start tomorrow... I Know what you are craving and I'm allowing you to have it."
I looked at her gratefully and made my way to the kitchen to make myself a mac and cheese.
"Yeah, Home." I said equally happy.
"Finally we will be back on track and you will never have to feel like that again." I knew what she was referring to, The movie in which I was supposed to be a part of had cancelled my role no doubt because of my weight gain. I silently thanked Ana for not having a conversation about it.
"Can I eat today? I don't care S, Help yourself. Today and tomorrow onwards we are going INSANE!!!! " She trilled with laughter. "We have got to do this right. We have to do this if you want him."
"I am dating someone else." I sighed
"Yeah, Tats just a physical thing that comes and goes, We both know you don't want this relationship."
"He's sweet Ana but He's perfect. I can handle the whole fast physical stuff but he told me he loved me on the third day... It freaks me out." I confessed
"That and the fact that he doesn't drink, Smoke or do dope." She concluded.
"I know I know." I agreed
"Go eat dinner Princess, we'll start tomorrow... I Know what you are craving and I'm allowing you to have it."
I looked at her gratefully and made my way to the kitchen to make myself a mac and cheese.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
I'm sick and not ANA sick
So I am awfully sick! My nose is runny and my throat hurts like a bitch. And I have a bubble in my throat which is basically this weird chocking sensation that makes you feel like you have a bubble in your throat..... I haven't eaten anything for a while now at least nothing after the anti-corruption rally I attended Yesterday..... So I have been pure for over sixteen hours, Something Ana is proud about......
Ana hits me at the weirdest of times. She isn't there constantly and I am thankful for that. I think she is trying to ease me back into that lifestyle slowly so I won't have the urge to run away from it again.... She is here right now sprawled out on the bed next to me listening to music. She was urging me to go to the subway across from my apartment and buy a diet coke. Fizzy drinks make me feel better when I'm sick. plus my dad is somewhere in Atlanta right now and is too far away to make me his famous Iranian feel better chicken noodle soup. Now I love my aunt's place but Ana doesn't . She hates the fact that we have to sneak around and even then I am stuck consuming about 1000 cals every day..... if I manage to stick to 500 cals today then I'll start the ABC from today....... Ana refuses to let me take any of the meds except a mild painkiller because when I feel sick, I don't have hunger cravings..... Ana made me pre-pone my ticket.
"Wow S, you have gotten chubbier. Your face is as round as a ball." My uncle said smiling.
I smiled back at him while the world started moving in slow motion and the world drowned out.
"Look you pathetic fat BITCH! i told you to let me help you. Did you not even see how much you ate for lunch? How could you not be fat. I wouldn't have eaten that much in two days let alone in under an hour!!!!!!"
I held the tears from letting out. I'll do better I promise." I muttered.
"Just another empty promise S, Something that's starting to loose it's effect." she said sighing.
"I looked at her undeniably perfect face atop her perfect body and whispered. "Ana I haven't forgotten you. I never can. You just left me too fast too soon. I need you twenty four seven until I can reach that stage where the most I can eat in a day is half a subway sandwich. Even when you are not around."
"I gave you more credit than you deserved. I won't leave you. I over estimated your abilities. I won't blame you for this but I'm never leaving your side again." she said.
I excused myself and went to the bathroom, shut the door and cried my eyes out for a good five minutes. I wanted nothing more than to make her proud. Something I had OBVIOUSLY failed to do.
Ana came is soon after and wiped my tears with the cuff of her sleeve. she gave me a hug and a familiar wave of Dejavu washed over me and I let her lead me out. Certain I would never make her ashamed of me again.
Ana hits me at the weirdest of times. She isn't there constantly and I am thankful for that. I think she is trying to ease me back into that lifestyle slowly so I won't have the urge to run away from it again.... She is here right now sprawled out on the bed next to me listening to music. She was urging me to go to the subway across from my apartment and buy a diet coke. Fizzy drinks make me feel better when I'm sick. plus my dad is somewhere in Atlanta right now and is too far away to make me his famous Iranian feel better chicken noodle soup. Now I love my aunt's place but Ana doesn't . She hates the fact that we have to sneak around and even then I am stuck consuming about 1000 cals every day..... if I manage to stick to 500 cals today then I'll start the ABC from today....... Ana refuses to let me take any of the meds except a mild painkiller because when I feel sick, I don't have hunger cravings..... Ana made me pre-pone my ticket.
"Wow S, you have gotten chubbier. Your face is as round as a ball." My uncle said smiling.
I smiled back at him while the world started moving in slow motion and the world drowned out.
"Look you pathetic fat BITCH! i told you to let me help you. Did you not even see how much you ate for lunch? How could you not be fat. I wouldn't have eaten that much in two days let alone in under an hour!!!!!!"
I held the tears from letting out. I'll do better I promise." I muttered.
"Just another empty promise S, Something that's starting to loose it's effect." she said sighing.
"I looked at her undeniably perfect face atop her perfect body and whispered. "Ana I haven't forgotten you. I never can. You just left me too fast too soon. I need you twenty four seven until I can reach that stage where the most I can eat in a day is half a subway sandwich. Even when you are not around."
"I gave you more credit than you deserved. I won't leave you. I over estimated your abilities. I won't blame you for this but I'm never leaving your side again." she said.
I excused myself and went to the bathroom, shut the door and cried my eyes out for a good five minutes. I wanted nothing more than to make her proud. Something I had OBVIOUSLY failed to do.
Ana came is soon after and wiped my tears with the cuff of her sleeve. she gave me a hug and a familiar wave of Dejavu washed over me and I let her lead me out. Certain I would never make her ashamed of me again.
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